Fashion faux pas #1

The jeans that caused the trouble

It all started off pretty well at the bank. I shoved my dubious deposit envelope into the “Express Deposits” slot in the wall. The metal and paint surrounding the slot were well worn so I knew I was in good company with lots of fellow misanthropes around. Even the juice bar was OK as I provided some business tips to the proprietor about how, in business; competitive immune systems were not the opposite of competition. His employee passed me my carrot and ginger juice, I waved “cheerio” and sauntered off along the gay boulevards of Innaloo mall. If only I had known what awaited me…

Eats, Shoots, Blues ‘n’ Roots 2009

LABJACD having a zany time

Blues ‘n’ Roots 2009 @ Fremantle Esplanade

Every year, the Blues ‘n’ Roots festival makes its own unique demands upon music lovers. Chiefly, the complex logistics involved in AVOIDING some of the god-awful acts that play there. The John Butler Trio (Christ! Three times as bad as John Butler)? Missy Higgins (Jesus! Is she still barefoot?)? LABJACD (the notion that exuberance somehow creates good music)? Paul Kelly (pass the Nembutal)? Luka Bloom (what is Luka Bloom? Man? Woman? Algae?)?

Wolverine: Methinketh you doth seed too loudly

Was Wolverine’s “leaking” onto the torrents deliberate? In some ways the half-finished film is sexier than what it would likely be finished. Mmm, we’re seeing it with it’s clothes off… Raw CGI. Mwah, sends shivers up my geek back. Works for me. And no doubt works for the millions of teenagers now watching it (50K seeds when I peeked).

Maybe the kids can even finish it for 21st Century Faux! Rupert would be having a right laugh about that. Why leave the profit machine vulnerable to art. Just chuck it out there and let the “community” do the detail work.

Interestingly, the only media outlet that seems to be covering this story in any depth is the NY Times. I looked at Variety and (incredibly) couldn’t find it in the “news” listing. It’s a huge story, even if it doesn’t turn out to be deliberately leaked. No News Ltd coverage, unsurprisingly. Liev Schreiber’s great BTW.

Local Police Now Targeting: Women Removalists

Kill Devil Hills @ The Indi Bar

11th March 2009

The Indi Bar is still doing a cracking job of keeping its gig guide top secret. It was only thanks to a hand written notice pinned to the local supermarket’s community notice board that I was alerted to the fact that the Kill Devil Hills were playing last night.

Danny Boyle: Slum and Slummerer

I’m not sure why Danny Boyle’s films have gotten progressively dumber over the years. In some ways his career has followed the same trajectory as former PM Tony Blair. Both Boyle and Blair debuted on the world stage in the mid-’90s, and like Damien Hirst, Noel Gallagher and the rest of the coke-fueled Brit-pack, they managed to surf the Cool Britannia tsunami for all it was worth.

‘Ninja’ kangaroo terrorises family in bed

Not a bird, or a plane, but a kangaroo has crashed through the bedroom window of a Canberra family’s home before terrorising its unsuspecting occupants.

Fup Duck Costumed Heroes

Watchmen @ Greater Union Megaplex, Innaloo

Hurrah! For the first time in a long while I actually enjoyed a movie at my local cinema. Greater Union Innaloo managed to start Watchmen at the advertised time, focus the projector and get the sound working – all simultaneously! Oh, and the movie wasn’t half bad either.

Harvey Milk Slapdown!

Ultimate freestyle milk fighting fans, join us for this keenly anticipated bout between heroic 70s gay rights activist Harvey Milk and his opponent, a feisty one-litre bottle of full-fat Harvey Fresh Milk. Who will triumph and emerge as the milkiest of them all?

Sub-Editing Skills Lost In Fire

“Australia fires claim more lives”

“Australia police target arsonists”

These two headlines are from the BBC News website. OK, I can hear you now. “Yeah, there’s an “N” missing from Australia, but geez Will, why be such a pedant about spelling and grammar?”

Return of the Merkin: Map-of-Tassie Mystery Deepens

“Blowing in the wind…” Reads the caption in the Sydney Morning Herald. Tres witty! Those Fairfax photo editors show just how hilarious they can be with this flattering shot of cricket WAG Jessica Bratich on the red linoleum at some cretinous awards night. But the unwritten subtext here (sniff, Fairfax does have standards, you know…) is “WTF is that dark patch between her legs?”

Internet Dating: Do You Want Lies With That?

When I was young it was pretty simple to find a girlfriend. You went to the pub, spotted someone you fancied, bought a jug of beer and yelled unintelligibly at each other over the noise the band was making. Then, if you were lucky, she’d come back to your house for some bongs, you’d have bad sex and then she’d move all her stuff into your place the next day.

Wrestling with The Wrestler

After seeing Mickey Rourke’s latest effort, I just couldn’t resist digging up a copy of that 1985 “masterpiece of erotica” Nine 1/2 Weeks. Unfortunately, although I’ve tried to watch it on three occasions now, I’ve been thwarted at each attempt by the sheer awfulness of it.

Praise the Lord and Pass the Ammunition: “West Australian Editor Dumped”

“West Australian Editor Dumped” reports Fairfax’s Schadenfreude Times; alongside a riveting article about a maverick cigarette butt. Well, that’s a fackin’ start, eh (er, the dumping, not the butt)? Now, Mr K. Stokes, can we pretty fackin’ please do something about Pam Casellas?

Perth’s Wheel(s) of Misfortune

The new Wheel of Perth provides an interesting insight into the inept and unimaginative planning that our governing bodies at state and local level are famous for. While there’s nothing wrong with slavishly copying the London Eye tourist wheel, Perth Mayor Lisa Scaffidi should have considered whether there is actually anything worth seeing from a much smaller one perched on the edge of the Swan River.

Woody Allen Megaplex (Crap)

Why don't I believe this?

Vicky Cristina Barcelona @ Greater Union Innaloo Megaplex

I know, I know. I’ve complained about my local cinema’s lack of technical chops before. But I’m growing increasingly convinced that the Greater Union Innaloo Megaplex is some kind of remedial workshop for failed hedge fund managers. What other explanation could there be for advertising incorrect start times for a movie? It’s not an airline, it’s a cinema, for godsakes. Presumably, one knows how long the movie runs for, the time the ads take, how long it takes to do a perfunctory “clean-up.” Why then at the advertised start time, is the previous session still running? How hard can this be to get right?

DIY Baileys

Spazzed all your money on the share market and don’t have enough for fancy Christmas booze? Don’t panic! We proudly present our TRIED AND TESTED Australianised METRIC recipe for the delicious but apostrophe challenged Baileys Oirish Crème that is guaranteed to put Aunty Flo into a coma without fuss and quickly thrust other family members to undreamt of levels of festive domestic violence.

Dickin’ Around In Dardanup

Bright young things

Fear, Love and Idiosyncrasies
New works by Linda Skrolys and Russell Sheridan

Dardanup, home to artists Linda Skrolys and Russell Sheridan, also hosts the annual Bull and Barrel Festival, where punters can commune intimately with 3 trillion blowflies while wandering aimlessly around a paddock eating roast beef rolls and drinking indifferent wines. The festival culminates after the sun sets with the ritualistic burning of a huge wooden statue of a bull – think The Wicker Man, but somewhat less exciting as there isn’t a policeman trapped inside.

Fine Arts Graduate Show – University of Western Australia (UWA)

punters

When I was studying tavernology at UWA back in the 80s the place didn’t have a fine arts department. No, sirree. UWA was where MEN went to do engineering or chemistry, or perhaps medicine if they were a bit effeminate. It was a blokes’ uni back then, sharply evidenced by the controversy that ensued when a woman had the temerity to enroll to do engineering.

Man caught with penis in pasta jar

A man caught near Nobbys Beach with his penis in a pasta sauce jar led police on a 20 kmh car chase, Newcastle Local Court heard yesterday. Police drew their weapons when they suspected Keith Roy Weatherley, 46, was armed. Instead, they found him partially clothed with his genitals in a jar, a police statement said.